‘Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.’
This is a very special verse, it was read out on our wedding day by my mother in law. I wasn’t a christian when I got married, but even so, I loved the words, they are so beautiful, and speak so much truth.
I wasn’t brought up in a christian family. My great great grandfather was a lay preacher, my great grandmother was a christian and my grandma attended church so I believe they would have been praying for us.
I went to St Cyres Comprehensive school in Penarth, South Wales, and it was there, when I was 11, that I was given a New Testament by a Gideon. This is my first memory of when I began to think about God, but I still didn’t know about Jesus. I suppose you could say this was the beginning of my journey towards Jesus.
I can remember being really drawn to the bible and would sometimes read it in my bedroom. We didn’t talk about God in my family. I asked my mum if she and dad believed in God and she said no, but she would never have told me that I couldn’t. Nothing else was ever mentioned, but I continued to read my bible in my bedroom. I’d pray little prayers, being a young girl, it was usually a prayer for something I desperately wanted, like to go to a friends party. I remember always praying that the rain would stop, maybe something to do with living in Wales! The prayers were mostly answered as i’d hoped.
When I met my husband, Dan, we would often go for lunch together on a Sunday afternoon. I would always have lots of questions about the bible and he really helped me to understand more. Looking back, we both encouraged each other so much.
After getting married in South Wales and having our two children, a job opportunity came up for Dan to work with his brother as a plumber, and 8 years ago we moved to North Wales. After settling down a little in our new home we decided to start to go to Criccieth Family Church and it was there that Dan and I both became much more aware of Jesus in the bible.
At first, being in church was difficult for me. I hadn’t been to church before where as Dan was brought up in a christian family so attended church regularly as a young child. I’d find the service powerful, but sometimes overwhelming, and wasn’t used to the fellowship. I’d often have to leave straight after the service. As I think back to this time, I believe it was because of the introvert in me that caused me to feel this way. It can take sometime for me to be ‘comfortable’ around people. This has changed as I’ve grown in my faith, and interestingly i’m not so introvert anymore.
Not long after attending church I began to experience depression and anxiety. I’d never suffered from either before. I’d chosen to leave my profession as a nurse to bring up the children and the consequences of moving away from family and friends, starting a new life in North Wales, not really having any close friendships and staying at home with the children started to effect me. Thankfully I did have two beautiful and healthy children, a very supportive husband and my mother and father in law who also made the move from South Wales to North supported us.
Our children were born close in age which was lovely in many ways but also came with challenges that I wasn’t prepared for, but then are we ever prepared for motherhood?
Being a mum wasn’t like the challenges I’d experienced in the past, which normally I thrived off. I struggled. I was drained and felt like I was constantly on a hamster wheel, chasing something but never reaching it. I lost all my confidence, and felt worthless. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had lost my identity. I reached a very low point, and it was at this point that I realised that I needed some help. I saw a doctor who helped me to understand the burn out I was experiencing. He was compassionate and understanding. It was comforting to speak to the doctor but I still struggled with depression. I tried taking antidepressants for a short time which took the edge off and helped me to cope a little better, but I couldn’t take them for long.
I remember sitting on the floor in the living room one evening, feeling physically paralysed, I didn’t want the children around me, not because they had done anything wrong, I just didn’t want anyone to touch me. I couldn’t life my head. Dan knew that I needed space and time and compassionately said to me,
‘Go and speak to God.’
My intention was to get away from everything and lie down in bed and try to pray, it was at that point that I broke down in tears. I can remember reaching out my arms and asking Jesus to take my life into his hands. In that moment, I knew that I needed him, and I couldn’t get through this without him. It was this moment that I consider to be the beginning of my new life as a Christian and the beginning of my heart and mind being renewed and transformed by Jesus. A peace came over me and a soft whisper came into my mind,
‘Wipe away your tears, wipe away your tears, I am here.’
Later I discovered that the words wipe away your tears are God’s words in the bible. I hadn’t known that before.
After this, I felt so much closer to God, and stronger in him, but I still felt weak in myself and the struggles in motherhood continued. Then one night, I had a dream, where I moved into a house and there were lots of bible verses on the walls and ornaments of Jesus. It was a godly house, and I started to tear them all down and said
‘I just want to make this house a home!’
When I woke up, I realised that this was exactly what I was doing, removing God from our home. This revelation that I couldn’t live my life without Jesus in it literally hit home. I didn’t want my life to continue without prioritising God. At that point I was determined to change, not just for myself but for my family too. With Jesus, I was going to build my home with God firmly in place, and stop tearing it down. The proverb ‘a wise woman builds her house and with her bare hands an unwise tears it down’ is very significant to me and I hold it close to my heart.
Reading the bible, praying, asking Jesus for forgiveness, listening to Him and letting Him guide me through my life, has allowed me to grow closer to Him each day.
Jesus has set me free, I can live with the knowledge of the hope that he has for us who believe in him. I am not perfect, and I still struggle with times of anxiety and panic attacks, but I am thankful that I can encourage others who are going through similar experiences. I am thankful that I can read the bible whenever I want and receive the love and compassion of Jesus through His word.
